a toast

Sometimes it feels like the cards are stacked against us. The cancer spreads and more treatment is necessary. Or a tumor is pinching a nerve and Casey can barely speak. Or his shoulder hurts too badly to do anything and I have to tackle the majority of life alone. Or I over-bake the last of the cookies and have to drive to H-E-B for a new roll because I look forward to two perfectly gooey cookies all day and damned if I don’t deserve every glorious bite.

Or it’s a combination of all the things and it’s devastating and overwhelming and infuriating, and I don’t know how to handle any of it.

Yesterday, I had a meltdown when I couldn’t get my phone to send a text. Casey easily managed it for me and then laughed. I blew a mother flipping gasket (second only in reaction to the gasket I blew the other day when everyone was crying and I tripped up the stairs). The room spun, tears fell, and a fuzzy numbness settled over me. I ordered him to stop laughing, and when he asked what was wrong, told him not to talk to me. Then I grabbed my phone and collapsed on the couch, fury and a sort of desperate sadness buzzing through my veins and out of my pores. I didn’t want to move or talk or feel anything . But then the bigger little girl started whining that she was hungry and I had to drag myself out of my emo cocoon and mom. As I was driving to the store, Zoey started peppering me with questions about Christmas and giving things to kids who don’t have anything so she can make room for new stuff and it occurred to me that – are you ready for this? Because this is a total lightbulb moment. I mean, it’s freaking revolutionary –

We may not have everything we want, but we still have SO MUCH.

And yeah, a lot of the things suck. Casey is sick and in pain and has just started radiation again so it’ll most certainly get worse. We had to cancel our Christmas plans with my family in Florida. And sometimes I can’t make my phone work. But I don’t have any control over those things. What I do have control over is how I react to them. And I’ve decided to embrace it. I’m embracing the sucky, everything is against us, how will we get through this, totally shit circumstances and celebrating life. Because our circumstances may be a total bummer, but our life doesn’t have to be.

So I bought a bottle of champagne and that night we polished it off in celebration of blessings, life, and all the suck in between.